It’s time for our 12th annual NBA League Pass Rankings, a tradition that began at a now-defunct website primarily to mock the early 2010s Washington Wizards.
This is NOT a power rating! They are watchability ratings calculated from a secret algorithm found on beer-soaked parchment paper under Bill Simmons’ seat at the old Boston Garden.
We score teams 1-10 in five categories:
Zeitgeist: Do normal people care about this team?
Should you linger in case a passing savant or incredible leaper uncorks something you might never see again?
Strategy/style: Are they fun to watch? This is where coaching factors in.
League Pass minutia: Announcers, uniforms, courts.
Unintentional comedy: Blame Simmons.
Let’s face it: For the past 40 years, the Wiz has been slinking, unseen and unheard, to the bottom, so consistently middling that their fans have quite quit on them.
The John Wall-Bradley Beal Wizards accomplished more than their reputation. They were never contenders, but they were also not a go-nowhere #SoWizards mediocrity until Wall began to fail. They annihilated Tom Thibodeau’s Chicago Bulls in the playoffs when Wall was 23 and Beal was 20. They may have upset the 60-win Atlanta Hawks in the second round in 2015 if not for Wall’s mid-series wrist injury, and they came within a game of the conference finals in 2017.
Sure, they were ridiculous: dousing each other with water after winning the division title, dressed in all black for a “funeral” before a regular-season game against the Boston Celtics. They attempted to establish a rivalry with LeBron James, claiming that James’ Cavaliers scared them.
I’m not sure those Cavaliers could even name the other 14 teams in the East. But they understood Beal and Wall brought enough supernova talent and bravado to pull an upset on the right night. With better roster moves, the Wall-Beal Wiz could have been something.
They’re no longer there. The lottery choice that might define the franchise’s next phase has yet to arrive; that is the season’s point. (Recall that The Wiz were one pingpong ball away from Victor Wembanyama.)
The final six first-round picks of the Beal-Wall era have yielded little, though Deni Avdija and Corey Kispert should develop into effective bench players. Is Johnny Davis real? We’ll discover!
It’ll be entertaining to watch Jordan Poole and Kyle Kuzma compete for the team scoring lead, while Traditional Point Guard Tyus Jones tries to arrange plays, Kispert sprints around screens without ever getting the ball, and Avdija waits and waits for a closeout. Do you believe Danilo Gallinari wakes up wondering where he is? I could even use a random Davis Bertans heat check.
The in-game experience is insignificant. Only the Wizards could hit pay dirt with the best jersey in club history, last year’s cherry-blossom-themed appearance, and fail to keep it in rotation.
Daniel Gafford is a ruthless dunker.Delon Wright is all long arms, stealth thefts, and marauding offensive rebounds. As a veteran mentor, I am here for Taj Gibson to cash golden parachutes.
Take heart, Detroit fans: This could be the biggest gap between Nos. 29 and 30 in history.Cade Cunningham is healthy, and the Pistons, who finished fifth in the lottery, need Cunningham to show he has the potential to be a franchise anchor. Cunningham appeared to be moving in that direction late in his rookie season, but that is a small, distant sample.
Cunningham has the (very) fuzzy contours of a Luka Doncic type at his best: the tall, burly guard who dives into the paint and keeps the defense guessing with fakes and pivots until something opens up. Cunningham isn’t in Doncic’s level as a passer, but he sees everything. The passing will occur. The shooting is a more complicated matter.
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